Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
