and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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