I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
