I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
