did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
