3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
