Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
