omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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