Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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