I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
