Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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