this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
