I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
