if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
