Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
