i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
