I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
