i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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