So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
