I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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