Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
