I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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