Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
