im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
