My first STD was from a foam party
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
