i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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