bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
