I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
