Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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