I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
