i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
