If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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