Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
