I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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