Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
