Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
