Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
