I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
