woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
