amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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