so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
