Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
