my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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