absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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