i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
