Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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