Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
