seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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