I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
