Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
