WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
