This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
